Do you realize we're getting married in four weeks?
Four weeks, baby. Four weeks!
Do you realize you get louder each week?
There's still so much to do! Have you written your vows yet?
I figured I'd just buy those. "Pat, I'd like to buy a vow."
You know I've no sense of humor when it comes to the wedding.
- Right. Have you written yours yet? - No, but I know what I'm gonna say.
Do you happen to know exactly what I'm gonna say?
Let's do it now. It won't be hard.
Say what's in your heart.
Look at her go. She must love me more than I love her!
What's wrong with me? Don't open that door.
The One With The Vows
"Monica, there are no words..."
There are no words! This shouldn't be this hard!
You've done this before. What did you say in your vows?
With Carol, I promised never to love another woman until the day I die.
She made no such promise.
I'm so pathetic. Monica knows what to say. You should have seen her writing.
What's the emergency?
You have to help me. I'm supposed to write my vows and all I have is this.
I like the pretty drawing of you in the wedding dress.
Except your breasts look kind of small.
Those are my eyes!
- Those are my breasts. - Oh, yeah, okay.
Why don't you just start with something simple, like:
"Monica, from the moment I met you, I knew I loved you."
I'm not sure I can do that.
Everyone, this is Chandler.
Hi, I'm Ross' little sister.
Okay.
Okay, okay. Maybe you could start with:
"Chandler, even though we were friends...
...there was a part of me that always knew I wanted more."
All right, there's a nuclear holocaust. I'm the last man on earth.
Would you go out with me?
Are we allowed to lie in the vows?
Maybe you don't talk about your feelings back then.
Just say something about all the things that he's taught you, like...
Or all the things you taught him.
Everybody knows the basic erogenous zones.
You got one, two, three...
...four, five...
...six and seven.
There are seven?
- That's one? - Kind of an important one.
I was looking at it upside down.
Well, you know, sometimes that helps.
Okay, now, start out with a little one...
...a two, a one-two-three...
...a three, a five...
...a four, a three-two...
...two, a two-four-six.
Two-four-six, four, two...
...two, four-seven...
...five-seven, six-seven...
...seven, seven...
...seven, seven, seven, seven, seven...
...seven!
I got it! How about saying something like:
"Monica, when I look back over our time together..."
- Yeah? - I can't do everything.
Look back over your time together.
Oh, look, twins!
No fair! I don't even have one, how come they get two?
- You'll get one. - Yeah, when?
I'll tell you what.
When we're 40, if neither of us are married, what do you say you and I have one?
Why wouldn't I be married when I'm 40?
Oh, no. No, I just meant hypothetically.
Hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?
No, no.
What is it? Seriously, is there something fundamentally un-marriable about me?
Well?
Dear God, this parachute is a knapsack!
I'm getting married today!
Do you think he knew I was here?
Nice try.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Look, Monica...
- This is not gonna work. - I bet this will work.
You are so great! I love you.
What?
Nothing! I said, you're so great, and then I just stopped talking.
- You said you love me! I can't believe this. - No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did. - No, I didn't!
- You love me! - No, I don't!
Stop it! Stop it!
You know, I was thinking, what if I unpack here?
Then all your stuff would be here.
Well...
What if all my stuff was here?
Then you'd be going back and forth all the time.
Doesn't make any sense.
Okay.
What if we live together, and you understand what I'm saying?
You wanted it to be a surprise.
Oh, my God!
Chandler...
...in all my life...
...I never thought I would be so lucky...
...as to fall in love with my best...
My best...
- There's a reason why girls don't do this! - Okay, okay, okay! I'll do it.
I thought...
I can do this.
I thought...
...that it mattered what I said or where I said it.
Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you...
You make me happier than I ever thought I could be.
And if you let me...
...I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way.
Monica?
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Can we come in yet? We're dying out here!
Come in! Come in!
- We're engaged! - Yes!
- Hi. - What have you guys been up to?
We were helping Chandler write his vows, but he kicked us out...
...because Joey kept making inappropriate suggestions.
How is "Monica, I love your sweet ass" inappropriate?
How's Monica doing?
Let's say it's lucky she's got a sweet ass because she's not so good at the writing.
I can't believe in four weeks they're gonna be married!
Let's just hope it works.
Nine out of 10 marriages end in divorce.
Phoebe, that's not true.
Yeah, you're right. How's the missus?
I can't believe they've been together 3 years.
That long?
Maybe it seems like less because they hid it from us for so long.
Hey, it's me. Coming in.
I've had a very long, hard day.
- I'm gonna get some chicken. Want some? - No, thanks. No, chicken. Bye, then.
Are you okay? I'm sorry. He wouldn't leave. He kept asking if I wanted chicken.
Chicken?
I could eat some chicken.
Hey, Joe!
Can I get a three-piece, some coleslaw and some beans and a Coke?
Diet Coke.
- I don't know why they didn't just tell us. - It's not like we weren't cool about it.
You? And you?
You cannot tell. No one knows.
How? When?
- It happened in London. - In London?!
We didn't tell anyone, because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it.
But it is a big deal!
- I have to tell someone. - No, no!
- You can't. - Please!
We don't want to deal with telling everyone. Just promise you won't tell.
All right!
I can't wait to be with you. I'll tell Rachel I'm doing laundry for a few hours.
Laundry? Is that my new nickname?
You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big...
Oh, look, there's Monica and Chandler. Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey!
Chandler and Monica! Chandler and Monica!
Oh, my God!
- Chandler and Monica! - Oh, my God!
- Oh, my eyes! My eyes! - Phoebe! Phoebe!
- It's okay! It's okay! - No! They're doing it!
I know! I know!
- You know? - Yes, I know!
And Joey knows, but Ross doesn't know, so you have to stop screaming!
- Hey, what's going on? - Oh, hi!
What? What?
Oh, God! We're just so excited that you might get this apartment!
- Actually, it looks really good. - It looks pretty good!
Get in here! Come on!
So they know you know, and they don't know that Rachel knows?
Yes, but you know what? It doesn't matter who knows what.
Now enough of us know, that we can just tell them we know.
Now all the lying and the secrets will finally be over.
Or we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own.
All right, we better go if we're gonna catch that movie.
- Bye. - Bye.
Bye, Chandler. I miss you already.
Did you see that? With the inappropriate and the pinching?
Actually, I did.
So now do you believe that she's attracted to me?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, she knows about us!
- Phoebe knows about us! - Well, I didn't tell them.
Them? Who's them?
Phoebe and Joey.
Joey!
And Rachel.
I would've told you, but they made me promise not to tell.
Oh, man. They think they are so slick, messing with us!
But, see, they don't know that we know that they know.
- So... - Ah, yes!
The messers become the messees!
Oh, my God, he wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!
Are you kidding?
I can't believe he'd do that to Mo...
Joey? Do they know that we know?
- No. - Joey!
- They know you know. - I knew it!
I cannot believe those two!
They thought that they could mess with us? They're trying to mess with us?
They don't know that we know they know we know.
Joey, you can't say anything.
Couldn't if I wanted to.
This is getting out of hand! She wants me to put lotion on her!
She's bluffing!
She's not backing down. She went like this:
He's not backing down. He went to get lotion.
Oh, man. Aren't you guys done yet?
The sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler, the sooner this is all over and in the open.
- I like that. - Okay.
Okay, show him your bra. He's afraid of bras. Can't work them.
Wow! You didn't rip off any buttons.
It's not my first time.
You go back out there and seduce her till she cracks.
Okay, give me a second.
- Did you clean up in here? - Of course.
Oh, you're going?
Not without you, lover.
So this is my bra.
It's very, very nice.
Well, come here.
I'm very happy we're gonna have all the sex.
You should be. I'm very bendy.
- I'm gonna kiss you now. - Not if I kiss you first.
I guess there's nothing left for us to do but kiss.
Here it comes.
Our first kiss.
- Okay, okay, okay, fine, you win! - Ha!
- I can't have sex with you. - Why not?
- Because I'm in love with Monica. - You're what?
Love her! That's right, I love her! I love her!
I love you, Monica.
I love you too, Chandler.
I thought you guys were doing it. I didn't know you were in love.
So that's it, it's over. Everybody knows.
- Well, actually, Ross doesn't. - We'd appreciate if no one told him yet.
No.
What are you doing?
Get off my sister!
Your friends getting married, it's gotta change things.
You think it'll be that different?
How could it not be? Soon, they're gonna have kids...
...and hang out with other couples who have kids.
And maybe they'll leave the city...
...to be near a Volvo dealership.
Things change.
But I don't want them to move to a Volvo dealership.
It'll be okay, Joe.
Sorry. I just... I like things the way they are.
Who's this little naked guy?
That little naked guy would be me.
Look at the little thing.
Yes.
Yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grownups now?
- Who are those people? - Got me.
That's Nana right there in the middle.
- Wow. - Let's see.
"Me and the gang at Java Joe's."
Monica, you look like your grandmother. How old was she there?
Let's see, 1939.
Yeah, 24, 25.
Looks like a fun gang.
Look, look, look! I got Monica naked.
Let me see.
No, that would be me again.
- Hey, you guys. - What's going on?
Well, we were just talking about...
...you guys getting married and how great it is.
Yeah, you can get a Volvo. If that's what you really want.
That's so sweet.
- So we both finished our vows. - Can we read them?
Just as long as I don't hear Chandler's and he doesn't hear mine.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Funny one! That's good!
Monica, will you marry me?
What? I don't get it.
Oh, yeah!
- Man, this is hilarious! - Chandler!
Don't worry, honey. We'll make yours funnier.
Okay, what do you guys think?
- Dude... - I have never known love like this.
- You really like it? - Dude!
How did you write this?
I stole Monica's and changed the name.
- You can't do that! - If he goes first, he can!